Anticipation of Apprehension

Where do you go from here? The time is come to look beyond what may have been to what can be. Don't be apprehensive, cast a shadow forward

The anticipation of grief or that "special day" will leave you apprehensive and confused. What if I can't stop crying, how much will it hurt, will I forget?
All questions that bring you back to the moment in time where you stood in the shadow of your former self before the loss.

Gustav looms over New Orleans and the gulf area, we anticipate the repeat of Katrina, loss of life, loss of property and the apprehension of rebuilding again.
Things have changed a little, we did learn some from Katrina, and evacuation and resources are being gathered in anticipation of Gustav.

Gustav is mean, he has already tore up the Caribbean, and he seems to be focusing on Louisiana, but there is one hitch to this storm, his little sister Hanna. She is confused and keeps trying to catch up with her big brother. I get the feeling (may be somewhat of a prediction) that if Hanna can push her way forward, Gustav will miss New Orleans and get pushed over to Texas. Not that he won't do some damage to the gulf shore, but I think if Hanna has her way and can gather herself, Florida and Southern Texas will need more help than New Orleans this time.

I don't think we should be so smug as to think we know the outcome of how our earth will renew itself. We anticipate outcomes but a little gust from the "gods" and everything can change.

The power of prayer can change the look of every anticipated disaster, and I still believe we will be where we are suppose to be when things happen.

Can we prevent devastation from natural disaster? Maybe, but sometimes it won't make a bit of difference and our skill should be the coping of the change left to us. Casting that shadow forward...looking at ourselves as renewed not devastated.
Tears cleanse the soul, but crying a river over spilt milk will not return the milk to us, only dilute what we had.

Hopefully this storm like so many things in our lives will pass us by and bring us together as people that want to work together for the good of all with a love in our hearts that is without the conditions we place on ourselves.

Recovery

Nothing frazzles me more than losing stuff, or not being organized and able to FIND what I need. Last week was a disaster in trying to recover, recover from a computer crash, recover lost supplies that needed to be split between two campuses, recover office space to put some of those supplies, recover direction for teaching the courses that use those supplies.

All I did last week was try to find a way to recover things. By the middle of the week I needed to recover my mind. Added to the above mentioned items of recovery, I tried to recover my son from the depths of renewed grief, and hopefully help him find his new path.

I think somehow this morning I finally recovered almost all of the items that my computer lost with it's viral infection. The final item was my finances, which I really didn't want to have to rebuild from the beginning of 2008. But there were bills to pay and no idea of how much money I had already spent.

Then we had the BAS degree to work on, once again I hadn't even completed the process there with all the other things looming over me. But I think I'm back on track to have that completed by Monday, and know what to do to get organized to take the three classes and keep my sanity. What's the worst thing that can happen, I will not ACE the courses, but will complete them. The books hopefully will be delivered before I have to take the first test and I will not have to guess everything.

The stacks surrounding my computer of disks and paperwork have finally dwindled down enough for me to release some tension and write about why I have felt so horrible and frazzled. I might even get around to lunch and oh no, cleaning!

Well, that is that, at least something got organized!

Let the Games Begin (not the Olympics)

Wow, I think I am almost ready for that first year of teaching. After a few setbacks (previous Dean turned new version of Beast)I should have everything ready to go for the Fall term.

All syllabi and weekly plan with rubric are in place and ready to be sent and printed to all the appropriate persons. A few preliminary meetings with co-workers looks like we are all on the same page and getting ready to pull our programs out of the ashes that the Beast left us.

So I sit here nervously waiting for something to go wrong before Monday, or all of a sudden realize I have forgotten the most important thing that is needed to accomplish this life altering goal achievement.

There is always the laundry that isn't done, so I may not know what to wear.

I do have to complete the paper work for the BAS degree and begin those online classes, get books ordered and hope I haven't messed up something by taking those classes at this point. The Art History course is the one I want to ace, but I already find my memory of all those slides of artwork fading in my mind as I look at the options of this new program. I can do it, I can manage a few things and come out looking good, I know I can.

Well, maybe I'll just let the rest of this rest until Monday and look around the house and get caught up on some of those little things I have left go for months (dirt keeps)!

My excitement on starting the new ME has grown and turned into panic over doing a great job so I can continue to do what I really do best. Calm down overachiever, it will all come out in the wash~

Must have been Monday

It must be Monday, but I think it was actually Tuesday. Now I really am about a day off. Rolling into work before 8 am I thought I was being nice, efficient and just this wonderful person, but no, I was once again the second rate citizen of the dream I had in Houston. Well that's OK, I actually did say NO, just not directly to the beast.

I just can't look the beast in the eye and state my overwhelming gut response. I complain to all others, and sneak away under the radar to let others respond to the beast. They tip toe around the beast to avoid the eye contact and never seem to just out and out confront it either. So the beast continues on it's merry way wreaking chaos out of everyday things.

I must be moved, that is the only solution, get me out of the ever watchful eye and let me finally have the peace to work and do what I do best. I need an escape, a refuge, solitude, distance to do what creativity demands.

When I sit at home typing away at my computer I am relaxed in my wonderful chair. I can stop, play a game of Spider and regroup my thoughts or just search for the books that I would like to read. No one comes to my desk and towers over me to look at my screen to learn how I magically make those numbers appear.

The beast calls with the idea that I have hidden from him again some software, which of course is in the same place as always, but he must reload it for the 20th time because he doesn't know the place it hides on his computer. Then comes the subtle admonitions to remind me I am the "lowly, uneducated, step and fetch slave". Oh I am all about compliance and he resumes his control to make me feel less than human. I can not in all good conscious wait for the day that I no longer am under the micro management of this beast!

It can not be that much longer, and I will be free. Free to be the real person I want to be, happy, creative, caring. Maybe some energy will return with this and I will no longer dread each morning and wait for the evening to return to the person I can be.

While in Houston I took video of the zoo. Now I want to do more, upload some video and edit for backgrounds. Make some changes to those classes that are suffering from lack of content. Make them creative and exceptional. This will happen, just maybe not this week! Not on the week of Mondays.

Live From Houston

Well God Willing and the creek don't rise I will be headed back to Arkansas soon.
I was totally fufilled and serene today to learn that my life there and my life here are insync.

The Grandbabies are doing well and we had an awesome time of games and firsts.
Layla's first bowling score (I think she beat me) and her first mini put put golf game (I actually did awesome on that one). We had a day at the zoo where we smoldered in the 100 degree weather, but got to see the animals and had fun.

What got me the most was that I was the one that wore out. AAAAAAAhhhh old age, I just needed a nap. I really thought that the babies would need one, but no, they have young bodies that are able to continue through the most adverse conditions to recharge and continue on from dusk til dawn. I will have to consider this training to do my full time teaching! How to keep up and stay awake without falling asleep or just complaining that I need to sit down again!

How can age just creep up on you like this, there was a time when it was easy to keep doing and going but now I am just the grandma that needs to sit down, walk slow and get to bed early. I know why grandparents get lots of gifts to entertain children, there isn't enough energy to be the entertainment.

I am eager to start back to work now, I am energized to do what I need to do to be the most excellent new instructor and bring a new dimension of graphics to my students. I will do it from the AGE I am now. I will look for more experience to bring them to the future. I have to thank those energizer bunnies that are my grandchildren. I get to observe everything new with them! I get to see what makes them smile and remember what made me smile. This is what life is, living those moments and sharing.

We went to the Byzantine Museum to see the Frescos. While we didn't know they had made this museum into a chapel and the girls really didn't get a chance to understand the beauty, it was the build up that was extrodinary. Lily learned everything about fresco painting I could help her understand and almost looked forward to seeing the paintings. This may not have been the highlight of her day, but I am betting she will remember years from now what angry eggs and fresco's have in common.

So many experiences, it will probably take more than one writing to convey, but thinking about heading home and returning to the other life I just had to share at this time.

Those babies grow so fast and before you know it, you won't be a part of all their firsts, you will be a history that they won't be interested in for quite a while.
Well everyone is up now and getting ready to take Grandma to the airport. The dogs are outside, the puppies are hungry and Layla is just coming out of her daze for the day. Soon everything will be loud and Sponge Bob is heating up!

I love these days!