Saturday, May 10, 2008
Love Life
Years of experience should have told me, the best plans never come out the way you plan. They have a way of changing but if you can look at the whole instead of the little things they turn out the way they are suppose to.
I am a great one to give advice, and the last one to listen to my own advice. Case in point my youngest sons wedding. It was a beautiful affair on the beach in Galveston. They blessed me with doing the flowers and letting me help in many ways. I was thrilled and worked for months to make those flowers especially nice. Of course I did not wind tunnel test the flowers nor did I hot glue them all in place, my bad, because a few of them just went with the wind right out of the bouquet during the ceremony.
I could have cried a million times watching my son beam at his bride to be, and watching my new daughter look lovingly at him. The music and the sunset all fit together and all my worry about the wind floated away. Of course, I didn't look so nice by the end of the day, I had stringy wind blown hair, and nausea from the vertigo of the beach house. I also was put out by my husband's little antics during the weekend, but I didn't leave him on the beach as I was so tempted to do, and we did dance together.
My son and I danced to Eric Clapton's "If I Could Change the World" and I handed him over to my new daughter telling her it was now her turn to change his world.
They are married, and appear happy and on a path to a life together, that will certainly be all that they can make it. My grandchildren all were safe, despite my fears they managed to navigate the stairs on the beach house and not fall or get hurt. My fears didn't transcend to them and they enjoyed being the little prince and princesses of the royal family.
My son had his brother to be his best man, which was the greatest picture in my mind. They stood together on the beach awaiting the bride in sandals that kept the sand from their bare feet. As my grandson, the ring bearer bore the starfish that held the simulated rings down the tiki-torch isle we all laughed as he stopped to blow out one of the torches. My granddaughters were next in matching yellow gowns with floral wreaths in their hair and trailing ribbons, which made them look like angels dropped from heaven to make the path for the bride strewn with starfish and shells from their crystal baskets before her feet.
Their father was with them, you could see it in the glances and pictures of the boys and their uncle, almost as if they had made room for him in the picture. He would have been proud of the men his little boys had become.
This was a dream fulfilled for me. Raising my sons to be a part of a new family of their own with beautiful wives and children that will forever be a memory of love. I walked with them, talked with them, stood, and watched in awe as they lived an amazing memory. It is only one day in their lives, but for me it is what family and love are all about. My love and blessings to them always.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
New Improved 2008
I'm elated with the possibilities! 2008 will bring my sons to the altar and I get daughters! Their happiness is what I look forward to, they both have done all they need to do to be happy in life. They have extended family, friends and from what I can see they are sucessful in their jobs too. I am so proud of my children. I am watching grandchildren develop into their own also. They are the shining stars in my sky. How can it get any better than that?
What else could it bring? Instructor rights. Yes, much work and effort has gone into this possibility and I look forward to attaining that goal. I may still have to wait, but I won't sit idol waiting either. I will take courses that bring me closer to being a "Bachelor" right along with it. You would think after over 40 years experience in the "graphics" field I would have been a shoe in for any potential, but no, I am stuck waiting again to see if I can prove myself.
I really plan to work on those "books" I started during the creative writing course. The grades are in and I got A's in both philosophy and creative writing, but that is because I write alot. I have to learn better grammar, but maybe with enough writing and editing I will be able to get there with a little help. If things don't pan out on the instructor front I will be taking up to 4 courses in preparation for that bachelors degree. My weakest links will be math and science, but I can well afford to get lower grades and still be ok.
Maybe in my darkest hours I will wonder more about where I am going in the future of home. I think most of it will depend on if I want to be self-sufficient, or content to just do what I have been doing. Sacrifice has been the role for a while, and I may need to pull away and be a little more self centered. More on that another day.
All in all so it is written, so it shall be dreamed until it is done!
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Dodging Bullets
It's been a week of dodging bullets. The problem with most of the bullets is you have already handed them to someone with that emotional gun to shoot you. Yes, you give them the ammunition to hurt you when you give away those bullets.
How do you know you've been doing that? Think about it, everytime you say, I should have done...or maybe I should say...you just handed a bullet to the person holding your emotional gun.
So How do you become "BULLET PROOF"? Don't give away the bullets. Easy to say, hard to do, but this is how you do it. You are this nice person, you are respectful and thoughtful but someone you care about (or are suppose to care about) keeps shooting you down and taking advantage of you. You wonder how this happens over and over again. You are asked to do something that seems like "your duty". Mom says, pick this up for me, and even though you know you will have to pay for it, not get the money back, and you really don't have the time to do it, you do. You just got shot! Guilted into doing something you should of said, Sorry, can't do it. A friend asks you to go with them to an event, you think it would be fun, but you have other obligations and it won't be easy to get away. Instead of waiting to the last minute to tell them you can't go, you let them know ahead of time so they can make other arrangements. You are being thoughtful, hoping that they would do the same for you, but "wait" now they can't help you out with an event that they said they would do, they are "too busy". There you are "shot again"! But you gave them the bullet, you gave them notice ahead of time.
Does this mean you can't be thoughtful, no, it means that you have to be firm up front, be honest and tell them I can't go with you, I end up paying for everything and you don't pay me back. I would have enjoyed going, but I can't afford it when I have to pay. I am on a budget and need to think of my family and what I can afford. Your honesty could save the friendship.
We do so much out of guilt, rather than honesty that we truley shoot ourselves and give others more bullets to shoot us with later. We are raised on guilt and shame, but when we mature, we are suppose to learn new ways. There are always consequences for your actions, but there are rarely consequences for honesty. Don't carry guilt for being honest, but don't assume you must do something to reciprocate when you could just say thank you, because you deserve kindness.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Working for a Living Current mood: frustrated
Work, Work, Work...then what, you get to eat and sleep and work some more. And what is all that work getting you? Guess it depends on the work itself and if you can see beyond the paycheck that pays for your food and your shelter.
I work hard, and sometimes a little too well. The more I get done the more I get to do and the more is expected of me from that time forward. I've always said I'm only as good as my last miracle. That miracle is soon forgotten and it is expected that I will accomplish greater tasks. So my latest strategy is to underpromise and over deliver so I can appear to keep delivering those "miracles".
No boss wants to hear, "that's not my job" they want to hear, I can! But lately what has been happening is that is NOT my job to do the tasks delegated to me, at least not without the boss signing off on it as approved work. Needless to say, who will be "hung out to dry" on these non-approved tasks that will have the lack of communication reprecussions? ME, yep the miracle worker, the one who walks on coffee and parts carpets.
So CYA, and make sure the boss's boss knows that you were only "doing the job" and that if it wasn't correct, it was not totally your responsibility. But that feels like a loyalty issue. The boss counts on you to take care of his A** and for that you are rewarded with a "that a girl". But when push comes to shove the loyalty should work both ways, you should be supported too. Not used as the 'scape goat for his lack of communication with others and just playing at being the boss.
Everyone has changes in their personal life that effects their work. But the problem with too many people with changes is that no one can stop the vicious cycle. So and so is upset, they were told one thing and then find out other things took place and they now have lost control of another area. But, the person they counted on to CTA is also upset, because of their personal changes they have forgotten who they told what to. Now a third party is brought in, and they can't see why any of the personal issues, just that this is not how the task was suppose to be handled in the first place. Someone is lying, and it is exhausting to determine where the truth is.
Well venting does help, but tomorrow I will see how far out on the line my job is. Tomorrow will tell if anyone was appeased, and if I can continue to work.
But when tomorrow comes and I find that I wasn't roasted, I will have another story to tell, but that will be tomorrow.
The Treasure
So many things to say, the usual time to say them, then comes the time you wonder if you should say it at all.
My son let me know about a death in his wife's family, too young. The comment that the father made touched my heart as I thought of how to explain how a father feels about his daughter. A treasure, one he builds and hoards for as long as he can, until she must become her own complete gift to the world. How can a man feel so strongly about his daughter?
Simply, he loves his daughter from the moment of birth and watches the growth as a treasure that is built with the love. Each year she becomes more precious, each year she comes closer to the time when she will be a gift to the world. That is the hardest gift to give, but there is joy in that giving. When a daughter dies before she can be gifted to the world the hurt is unbearable. The father would ransom the world to have her back and protect her again, but that is not possible. The grief is severe and most men hide the pain well deep in their heart. After all they were not raised to be the treasure, but the hunter and provider.
I never had the benefit of feeling like that treasure, my life was different. But I have always felt that my sons were my gift and they have proven that they can feel that intense love of a father. They show every day the love for their beautiful daughters and you can see their treasure grow.
All children are that gift of love that is the wealth of the heart. My sons have been fortunate that they have chosen great treasures in their choice of mates and that love continues to grow with their beautiful children (sounds like a proud Grandma, doesn't it).
I have one grandson, that will be blessed to find the same treasure his father found.
My life is very wealthy, I have been given all the love one person can ask for. My heart has been broken many times over the loss of love, but the treasure remains, having been gifted with the love to begin with. Your heart always carries the memory of love.
